Payh Blog
Aug 30, 2007

Parents are the Teachers, not the Culture

read more on culture

Parents are the teachers, not the culture? Is this true in your family?

I recently watched my two children play a game in our driveway called “cross the street. Other than the squirrels, my driveway is not a particularly busy place, but, in their imaginary world, it must have seemed real. My oldest child, who is six, was telling my youngest, who is two, how you safely cross the street. As he gave instructions, his effort to teach my daughter, while precious, needed some guidance. Looking twice to the left and not to the right was not quite all the information she would need. As I watched my son play the role of the teacher, the “crossing the street” game gave a perfect picture of why it is so important for parents to recognize the parents are the teachers, not culture.
Too often we see stories in the media of adults who have neglected their children, or have looked on, and in some cases helped their children and their friends get drunk, high, and have sex. We also hear stories about teachers in the classroom who engage in inappropriate relationships with their students. The question that comes to mind is: who is teaching who? At times, it appears that the youth are teaching adults what is “acceptable” or the “norm.” Adults seem more concerned about “fitting in, being “liked, or “one of the crowd.” More often than we would like to see, parents are not acting like adults, much less parents.
This past spring, because of Alec Baldwin’s celebrity status, we were exposed to his tirade directed at his 11-year old daughter. In the voice mail he left for her, he not only cursed her but also told her how she had humiliated him for the last time. In his anger, he talked to her as if they were the same age. Lindsay Lohan told her father to stay away from her family. Paris Hilton’s family recently pleaded that their daughter did not deserve to go to jail. Does Britney Spears recognize the impact her actions have on her young sons? Actions and reactions from the world of celebrities have inundated classrooms as well as our living rooms.
Are we forgetting how to teach our children to look both ways before they cross the street? Do we as parents recognize that our actions, words, and responses are teaching and shaping our children? What are you teaching your children everyday? Do you recognize what the internet, music, television, friends, teachers, and other adults may be teaching them? Do you take the time to watch, hear, and observe the internet, music, television, friends, teachers, and other adults?
As parents, we must be good teachers taking time to listen, engage, and challenge our “students. Remember your favorite teachers when you were growing up? What was it about them that you liked? In many ways, parenting gives you an opportunity to emulate your favorite teachers. They may have been your parents, a 10th grade history teacher, a best friend, or your spouse. Whoever they were, they made an indelible impression on you. This is what you as a parent must do with your children. You must make a significant investment in the “education of your children; otherwise, it will be the culture that invariably shapes them. It is a challenge: it is time consuming: it requires you to do homework often when you least want to do it. But, it is the greatest investment of your life. If you don’t, how else will they know not to just look one way before crossing the street?

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Payh Blog
Aug 11, 2007

How Do We Teach Our Children Forgiveness?


Lessons from the Amish

The now infamous and often parodied line from an old movie went, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry. I imagine this means if you really love someone you will never do or say anything to them you regret, or for which you need to apologize. We know that is nonsense, since we all are sinners and have not attained perfection. And besides, even when we do the “right thing the other person may not think so and still expect an apology. It is so much more difficult to say, “Love means I will always forgive you, no matter what the offense. Before you say, “that’s not so hard, consider the Amish parents and families of six slain little girls, and four seriously wounded, by a crazed man who took them hostage in their one room school house in recent days. Forgiveness may be easy to talk about or tell your children to practice one with another. In reality, it is far more difficult to do yourself, much less expect your children to forgive because you tell them.
Forgiveness is not easy to teach because it must be exemplified. You cannot just tell your children to do it. You have to live it out before them. And that is exactly what these Amish parents did in Lancaster County a few weeks ago. Having been devastated by the sudden and violent taking of their beloved daughters’ lives, they not only verbalized forgiveness of the killer himself, but reached out to the wife and family of this man who committed the heinous act. They took his wife and children food and provisions. They invited them to their own child’s funeral. They attended his funeral. They said in essence, “How can we say we believe in a Savior who forgives us our own sins, and whose own blood washes away those sins, and not forgive one another, even one who has slain our children. The example of forgiveness, by those who could not reverse this result of demonic behavior, will not easily be forgotten, especially in the Amish households of Lancaster County.
The very words of their Savior were on their minds even as they lived out their forgiveness: “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15) “Our blood-red sins He will wash white as snow, said one Amish parent. “Forgiveness is a choice, but it is not an option if we want to be saved, he said. This same parent went on, “I feel the most sorry for the person who did it, and I’ll tell you the reason why because he can’t get forgiveness no more, what’s done is done. After death, there is no more change. Two eternal lessons stand out in his words: the necessity of forgiveness for our own well-being and salvation, and two, the finality of death in changing our eternal destiny. Jesus puts the second this way, “Work [now] for the night is coming, when no man can work. (John 9:4) In other words, now is the time to pursue salvation and sanctification, because the day is coming for each of us when we can do nothing more to change our eternal home. Both the practice of forgiveness for our salvation and sanctification, and the finality of change at death are vivid reminders of the seriousness of both living and teaching our children forgiveness.
Every day presents opportunities for forgiveness. This is as true for us, as for our children. A father and mother can practice forgiveness toward each other before their children. Without it, it does little good to tell them to do what you cannot or will not do yourselves. Parents must forgive neighbors, extended family, even strangers before their children, if they expect their children to take hold of forgiveness. Do not be fooled by their childishness! Children observe and take in far more than you anticipate. They often will not mention it or speak of it, but they are learning from you all the time. Keep that truth in the forefront of your mind. Learn to love it rather than fear it. We fear our children will follow in our footsteps, because we know our walk is sinful. How much better to walk honestly and forgivingly, because we know our example will not go unnoticed in their eyes. We ought to love the fact that our children learn best from us.
Speak about the vital importance of forgiveness to your children, for their own well-being and especially for their relationship to their Savior and Heavenly Father. Memorize the verses of Scripture that speak about forgiveness, so that they are on your tongue when occasions arise to encourage them to forgive. And use the example of how you forgave one another as parents in something they observed, to remind them that they are to do the same. You may even tell them of a personal occasion of forgiveness in your life they did not observe, which will encourage their own thinking.
The preeminent example, which is the foundation for any forgiveness within our own hearts, is the truth that we ought to forgive, because God in Christ first forgave us. What kind of forgiveness do you think He gives us? Temporary or permanent? Paul exhorts us to forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13) This must be at the heart of what we teach our children about this, because there is no other example that is as powerful or life changing. And for us to forgive our life must be changed. Forgiveness is difficult. It is deeper than words. It is backed by actions. Consider again the Amish parents and their response in actions.
Forgiveness that moves beyond the initial response into the weeks and months that follow is true forgiveness. It is like God says he treats our sins when He forgives us. He buries them in the depths of the sea. He separates them from His sight as far as the East is from the West. In other words He completely removes them and remembers them no more. His definition of forgiveness must be ours. We too often say we forgive, and then weeks later bring up what we forgave. True forgiveness buries it, even though in our own hearts we still remember, perhaps for a long time. But we do not bring it up, because it was forgiven.
The act of forgiveness is not only a benefit to the one you forgive, it is the medicine necessary for your own heart. An unforgiving heart is a sick heart. It will lead to bitterness, that if not rooted out will fester into infection and kill you; if not physically, spiritually. Your spirit will die. There are too many “dead men walking, and you do not want to be one of them. Warn your children about the results of an unforgiving heart. The earlier in life they learn its truth, the healthier they will be to serve God and others while they are young. There is an indefatigable strength in forgiveness that cannot be denied. It will overcome evil and the evil One. Forgive as He forgave you! (more…)

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