Payh Blog
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Aug 13, 2009

I have a child who is constantly talking back.

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I have a child who is constantly talking back.
The underlying source of talking back is rebellion, and it should not be allowed under any circumstances. Your child is talking back because you have not been consistent in holding your child accountable. This invariably leads to problems.
Talking back/being disrespectful is what the Paul Anderson Youth Home considers to be one of the six indicators that your child could be headed for trouble.(Other signs are disrespect, disobedience, association with questionable friends, disregard for rules, and love for music with lyrics that feed rebellion.) If a child is allowed to get away with any of these, his behavior will digress. If he shows no respect for the authority of his parents, he will show no regard for any form of authority in school, the workplace, and/or society, much less God. He is walking on extremely dangerous ground. To stop this trend, you need to be consistent in holding your precious child accountable.
From around the sphere:
Strategies for dealing with children who talk back disrespectfully
Eliminate Arguments: What To Do When Your Teen Talks Back


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Aug 13, 2009

I have a child who is disrespectful.

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I have a child who is disrespectful.
God does not mince words regarding the seriousness of disrespect, because it denotes a growing disregard for authority. This includes non-verbal communication as well (rolling of the eyes, shrugging shoulders, slamming doors, stomping off, pouting, tone of voice, etc.). If disrespect is left unchecked, eventually, the child will completely disregard those in authority. The minute a parent hears or sees disrespect from his/her child, it should immediately be dealt with and dealt with firmly. If it is a little child, put the child in a time out or spank him. If he is bigger, take away a privilege.


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Aug 12, 2009

I have a child who is acting out.

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I have a child who is acting out.
As parents, our child is not always the priority he should be. Because of our busy lifestyles, we often ignore our child and leave his behavior “unattended. It is imperative to find out why your child is acting out. Are you giving your child enough positive attention? Are you listening to your child? When we as parents ignore this crucial responsibility, invariably he will seek to gain some form of attention, and the results will not always be positive.
If your child is acting out and you can honestly say that you are giving your child positive attention and you are listening, there may be other serious issues going on in his life of which you are unaware that may need intervention. Do not let this go unexplored. Talk to your child, ask questions, find out what is going on in his life.


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Aug 11, 2009

I have a child who is angry

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I have a child who is angry.
One of the greatest responsibilities parents have is to consistently discipline in order to drive foolish behaviors such as anger out of a child. This is not an easy task, because, according to Proverbs 22:15, “the heart of a child is bound up in foolish behavior.”
In 1999, when the Columbine massacre occurred, although horrific, it should not have taken us by surprise: a caldron of rage has been built within America’s teens and continues to grow more volatile with each passing year. America is reaping decades of parents ignoring our parental responsibilities.
For many of our young men at the Paul Anderson Youth Home (PAYH), anger is an understandable emotion, though the eruption of that anger is inappropriate. The reason for the anger must be resolved!
There is an internal barometer that registers deep inside a person when his most basic needs are not met. When these needs are not met, the person cries out with inner pain…anger…at what should have been his. As that barometer rises year after year, the result is a volcano of emotion known as rage.
One of our biggest challenges at the PAYH is to help our young men understand that this inner need is very legitimate. God placed it there. Along with that recognition, however, comes the responsibility for him to find more healthy ways to express that anger. We teach our family members that no one in this life truly gets all his needs met, because we are all basically sinful people who fail every day to meet the needs of those around us. We also teach them not to look at themselves as life’s victims and wallow in self-pity, but rather forgive others who have not met their needs. Whatever the circumstances, we must learn to walk through them with determination and an attitude of never giving up.

From around the sphere:
Sue Scheff: Parenting – Defiant Teens? Disrespectful Teens? Angry


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Aug 10, 2009

I have a child who is apathetic

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I have a child who is apathetic: he just sits around the house and does nothing.
An apathetic child is more difficult to help because there is no emotion, no fight, no will to do anything.
If your child is apathetic, schedule an appointment with a physician to rule out any physical problem. A teen needs proper nourishment, and much more sleep than at any other time in his life.
The hormonal changes taking place in his body often take a toll on his emotional equilibrium. Where one child may rage, another may be inert and apathetic. A child’s apathy may be a covert manifestation of anger. This apathy is demonstrated by passive-aggressive behavior, which is very subtle.
In a sense, the child is saying through his apathy, “My parents want me to do such and such, but nobody can control me. I just will not do what they want.” Deal with this behavior in the same way as if he was angry because that is exactly what this form of apathy is.
More from around the sphere:
Tips on Raising Happy Teenagers: How to Avoid Common Mistakes with


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Aug 08, 2009

I have a child who tells me what he thinks I want to hear, then does what he wants to do.

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I have a child who tells me what he thinks I want to hear, then does what he wants to do.
This is deceit, which is lying. Deceit is one of those types of behaviors that uncovers a root of dishonor which, if not checked, will grow into a major character flaw that will destroy every aspect of a child’s life…and like a rotten tree that has been allowed to grow, deceit should not be tolerated. There should be consequences for lying.
Parents need to be very alert to this behavior. Does your child embellish the truth? Does he tell you he is going one place, only to find he was not there at all? Some parents say, “Sure, he lies occasionally…but he is basically a good kid. He is not like so and so down the street.” There IS no occasional lie. Even the smallest one belies an internal character flaw of a lack of honor and integrity. It often has been said that honor is the only gift a man can give himself. His word must mean something.
More from around the sphere:

Children Lying to Parents


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Aug 07, 2009

I have a child who appears to be suffering from depression

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“I have a child who…appears to be suffering from depression.
Depression can be triggered initially by almost anything: break up with a girlfriend or boyfriend, guilt over doing wrong, feeling left out by friends, making bad grades. If gone untreated or unchecked, depression can become a very real physiological condition that may require medication.
Depression may appear similar to apathy: depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain that produces very definite behavioral manifestations: changes in personality, listlessness, loss of appetite, life seems to have no meaning, talk of suicide. Be engaged in your child’s life; find out what is the root of the depression.


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Aug 06, 2009

I have a child who listens to music with explicit lyrics

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“I have a child who listens to music that has references to killing, violence, and sex.
The situation you describe is one of the 6 key indicators that your child is in trouble. Those signs are the following:

  1. Disrespect showing little regard for your rules or your feelings
  2. Disobedience stretching the rules, or challenging them
  3. Talking back
  4. Association with questionable friends
  5. Disregard for coming in on time or heeding curfews
  6. Love for music with lyrics that feed rebellion

These behaviors should be totally unacceptable. If your child is allowed to get away with any of them, his behavior will digress. In regards to music, explain why you are taking this hard stand: this type of music is not welcome in your home. Remove it from your home and set clear, definitive consequences if he continues to listen to it. Depending on his age, he clearly has a choice: to be obedient to your guidelines, or leave home.


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Aug 05, 2009

Mental Attitude and Preparation

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No one really knows just how powerful the mind is. I have seen people, who practice the power of positive thinking day after day, and who give me some convincing reports concerning its value. In my own life I have experienced some of these things that are amazing, and especially baffling to the person who doesn’t realize what great power he has stored in his brain.
The athlete not only must condition his body through proper exercise and diet but also the force that controls the body must be properly trained. This can be proven day after day just by observing records. When Roger Bannister finally showed the world that the four minute mile could be broken, it seemed that many others who had been tottering on the brink of such an accomplishment0 ,were then able to duplicate the Roger’s sterling performance. To achieve this goal, what did Roger Bannister possess that others did not? It had to be more than just his stride, endurance, and finishing speed. There must have been something more. It was his mental attitude and the discipline he took in preparing to achieve his goal.
The same goes for all those who lead the way in any sporting event. There must be something extra there, to give the participant that exceptional competitive spirit, and the idea that he can be the first one to make the accomplishment.
To achieve the ultimate, from the psychological part of weightlifting or using weights to reach potentials in other sports, I will say that first and foremost, we must have a very good image of ourselves. We must feel that nothing is impossible for us to accomplish in the sporting world. We then must set our goals, and not have them as mental blocks, which can easily happen, but to feel that we are very capable of reaching them. In an immediate way, our mental attitudes can work for or against us: whether we have a positive or negative attitude. If one approaches a barbell and has a negative attitude, surely he is not going to be successful in the lift. This is the same with approaching a golf ball or cocking the arm to throw a baseball or football. We must have a positive attitude about what we are going to do and accomplish. This is both true in training, actual competition, and in life.


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Aug 03, 2009

Paying Attention To Your Child On The Internet

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The headline of a recent Reuters article read: Schoolgirls bullied into stripping online.
“Bullies are no longer content to taunt their victims in the playground but are turning to cyberspace…and are using e-mail, text messaging, and social networking sites in new forms of victimization.
This article went on to discuss how young people are pressured to do things online that they would not do otherwise and are too scared to tell their parents in fear of their computer privileges being taken away.
We are now emerging into the latest version of the internet; what is called Web 2.0, and it is all about personalization, uploading your personal life, and virtual interaction. So in a world of personalization and content being uploaded to the internet, how can we as parents become more aware for the health and safety of our children? It is our job as parents to pay attention to our child on the internet.
Online social networking sites like YouTube and MySpace have capitalized on this personally invasive trend, allowing people to establish their own online presence; to be seen, and known by others about whom they know nothing. On the surface, some may think, what’s wrong with that? Technology they argue is just a device that helps us communicate. Meeting friends, journaling, posting pictures and videos; it is just a new venue in which to explore our own individual creativity and at earlier ages!
A good example of this is the adolescent site, Clubpenguin.com. It is innocent enough, providing games and a forum for chatting, but it also fosters an early behavior of virtual interaction. Youth today are becoming more accustomed to posting and communicating in this medium. It is not that clubpenguin.com is dangerous; but it establishes a pattern of behavior for both the child and the parent.
Yes, these behaviors and habits are innocuous at first; but later, as they become conventionally accepted and a part of a routine method of communication, those things that children once used become boring as they grow older. The pattern, however, remains, and so new sites and methods are found. These days, the sites range from flickr.com, to xanga, sconex, facebook, lastnightsparty, and vimeo, along with a host of others. The avalanche of sites allowing this generation to interact with friends and strangers has blurred relationships from what is “conventionally acceptable. And what is more alarming is that we are just at the advent of the internet.
We as parents must recognize how the web is evolving and becoming a place where culture is changing and eroding. In an article in the New York Times Magazine entitled Say Anything, the author Emily Nussbaum discussed how this generation of youth is increasingly willing to reveal their private lives online.
“There’s a difference between being able to absorb embarrassment and not feeling it. But we live in a time in which humiliation and fame are not easily distinguished quantities. And this generation seems to have a high tolerance for what used to be personal information splashed in the public square.
Certainly you can watch the news concerning Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton and see that what was once private is now more public than ever. Does this surprise us? Do we as parents recognize what is happening? Why is there such a strong appeal to “living life out loud and for the whole world to see?
Commercials on TV drive home the point that you can be significant; you can matter; you can be known to an audience far larger than my backyard; just upload yourself. “Celebrity status no longer just applies to Hollywood in a virtual world of friendships and community. We all want to matter, and in an online world an unknown person can be a “celebrity. American Idol and other reality programs capture this essence perfectly: we can be discovered! In an online world our voice can be heard. Our search for personal significance will continue to drive the direction of the internet; a desire to fill in the relational void that exists in teenagers and children today.
“So where do the young thrill-seekers go? Increasingly, to new Web sites like Stickam.com and liveleak.com, which are building a business by going where others fear to tread: into the realm of unfiltered live broadcasts from Web cameras.
So what are we to do?
Here are some practical applications to consider:

  1. Recognize that people are using the internet not only to communicate, but to fill an emptiness.
  2. As regulations on popular social web sites emerge, anticipate that new sites will be created and gravitate towards the risqué, lewd, and grotesque.
  3. Computer habits that form early often become behaviors that challenge parents as your children grow older.
  4. Protect your family by placing a computer in a central location and look for web filtering/tracking services for individual computers.
  5. Don’t be afraid, learn how to interact online. Use technology as another way you can communicate with your child.
  6. Set boundaries and enforce those standards by monitoring what they are doing.
  7. Confront your children when they do not obey your standards.
  8. Do not allow your children to share their passwords with friends.

Do not be merely content to say technology is over my head. Virtual communication and socializing is going to continue to evolve and adapt. It is an arena where parental stewardship is paramount as the stakes are too high! Be engaged!


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